By: Jennifer Dubose, BA, Psychology
What is Gamophobia?
The table before you is set with fine china and the room is bathed in candle-light. Soft music serenades you as your dinner is served. You talk about your day and chatter about the plans for the weekend. As the evening is drawing to a close, your date catches your eye. She hesitates, then laughs, and says “I almost thought you were going to propose tonight.”
Your world stills. Everything comes to a halt as your breath catches in your throat. Your palms begin to sweat and your mouth becomes dry. You laugh it off on the outside as she masks her disappointment. You can’t bear to tell her that the thought of committing to marriage chills you to the bone. If this scenario describes your worst nightmare, you may be suffering from Gamophobia. Gamophobia (pronounced [gam-oh-fo-bee-ah]) is the irrational fear of marriage (or commitment).
While this scenario describes a man struggling with gamophobia, women are also susceptible, dealing with many issues that can contribute to a fear of marriage. Read on to find out what underlies this fear—and what to do about it.
Statistics about Commitment
- According to Pew Research, more people are waiting longer to get married with the average age being 29 for men and 27 for women.
- The divorce rate is higher among couples without a college degree, and those who get married younger are more likely to divorce.
- In recent years (2013–2016) the divorce rate has hovered around 3.2 divorces per 1,000 marriages — actually down from what it was.
- Divorce rates dropped 18% from 2008–2016.
Why Am I Afraid of Marriage?
Past Negative Experiences
Many of us have known someone with divorced parents, or been divorced ourselves, and watched what seemed like the strongest marriages crumble. But you cannot look at someone else’s failed relationship and believe that it’s going to be you. There is a myriad of reasons relationships fail — unresolved mental health issues, mismatched goals, unrealistic expectations, loss and tragedy, or abuse. Even if you’ve been divorced, that doesn’t mean your future should be devoid of meaningful relationships; you have the power to change how you carry out your relationships.
Fear of Missing Out
Coined “FOMO” among Millennials, the fear of missing out is something many of us have felt but rarely admitted. Settling down with one person when you feel like there’s a whole world of options can be frightening. This fear comes into play in every part of our lives, not just relationships.
Feeling Trapped
Playing off FOMO, some view marriage with disdain because it feels like a lifetime sentence of being trapped. If you fall into the category of simply never being interested in marriage, be honest with your significant other up front, or don’t enter into a relationship at all — but don’t lead anyone on.
Infertility
For some, an inability to commit is tied to something deeply personal — 10% of women in the United States struggle with infertility. Your self-worth is not measured by your ability to have a child. Men deal with infertility issues too, and it can be a difficult subject to broach.
Genetics
Some couples decide not to have children for genetic reasons — for example, hereditary diseases like Huntington’s Disease that could be passed to a child. It can be terrifying to commit to someone else knowing you can’t risk having your own offspring.
Symptoms of Gamophobia
- Intense fear, dread, or panic at the thought of being committed to someone else.
- Lack of desire or interest in a committed relationship (marriage or otherwise).
- Inability to form strong bonds with a significant other; constantly pushing people away.
- Feeling smothered in a relationship by things considered normal by others (making future plans as a couple, committing to events together, etc.).
Recognizing Gamophobia in Others
- Does your boyfriend or girlfriend shy away from conversations about engagement or marriage?
- Does he/she trend towards keeping things casual?
- Do they avoid planning ahead — vacations or weekends away are out of the question?
- Does your significant other avoid meeting family or other important people in your life?
- Do you have a friend or family member who ends relationships before they “get serious”?
How to Overcome your Fear of Commitment
This isn’t a “5 simple steps” article — for most people, fear of commitment is a struggle with deep roots and no quick fix. But here are some places to start:
Be Honest
Be honest with yourself and your significant other (if applicable). Admit that you struggle with an aversion to commitment. If you aren’t ready to open up to people close to you, talk to a therapist — they’re impartial and can help you navigate what you’re feeling and how to convey it to loved ones.
Take a Deep Look
If you care deeply about someone but are afraid marrying them means missing out on other paths your life could take, sit down and write out your goals and dreams for the future. Does this person line up with your life goals? Will they enhance your life and push you to reach your goals? Conversely, take an honest look at the relationship itself — if you don’t see this person in your future, don’t string them along.
See a Medical Professional
If your gamophobia is related to infertility or genetic issues, seek out the help of a medical professional. There are many ways to treat infertility, and genetic concerns don’t have to rule your future — talk to your doctor about your options.
What to do if your Partner has Gamophobia
If you recognize the signs of gamophobia in a loved one, don’t panic and don’t confront them. Instead, find a gentle, non-threatening way to start a conversation:
“I sense that you tense up when I talk about the future, is there a reason why?”
“I know the idea of commitment makes you uncomfortable, would you like to talk about it?”
Remind them you care for them and want the best for them. Also prepare yourself: not everyone is ready for a relationship or marriage, and if that’s the case for your partner, it’s better to know and move on earlier rather than years down the road.
Parting Thoughts
Most people wait until it’s too late — many couples don’t seek out counseling until they’re contemplating divorce or their marriage is all conflict, seeing it as a last resort or a failure. Instead, choose to see therapy as a tool in your marriage or relationship. If past traumatic experiences are holding you back from committing to a meaningful relationship, seek out counseling. Look in your area for an experienced therapist, or if your options are slim or you’re more comfortable at home, consider BetterHelp as an online/mobile resource. Address your fears today and protect your relationships.
Related posts referenced: Astraphobia (fear of lightning), Overcome Aviophobia (fear of flying), Overcome Somniphobia (put your fears to bed)